While I have the emotional capacity to share a story, I’d love to do that and hopefully let you partake in the hope of which I’ve been reminded in the last few days.
Let’s not beat around the bush: I’m trying to be part of a church youth ministry that will talk about the hard stuff and be confused about it together, and I hate that I feel like I’m in the minority of church leadership in the U.S. when it comes to wanting to engage hard topics from the stage. (pardon my cynicism)
Maybe I’m wrong, but I feel like many of my friends grew up in youth ministries that were more concerned with their students having fun than they were about their students knowing how the Gospel gives full hope in the midst of what was going on in the culture around them. Many of my friends were sheltered from the realities of racism, sexism, abortion, sex trafficking, porn, and homosexuality by glaring into bright lights and big production and games on games on games; OR they were taught to ignore it by doing yet another book study with their vastly homogenous friend group.
(I don’t blame them, just so we’re clear. They were just doing what those before them had done. They didn’t know any different. I don’t think it was malicious, but that doesn’t change the reality of the current situation.)
I don’t think that’s all bad. I don’t think middle schoolers need to be as caught up on all the politics that adults have to deal with on a daily basis. That would be a detestable thing to do to students — to strip away their emotional adolescence. However, I think it’s yet another social injustice to force our students into ignorance and to send them off into adulthood having no earthly idea what the world around them looks like.
(Let’s be honest, if my parents hadn’t been straight up with me about the culture in which we live, I think when I got to college, I would’ve given a rude finger and some harsh words to church-people for living in augmented reality and never stepping out of their prim-and-proper Christian bubble.)
But there lies the challenge: how do you protect the emotional innocence of students while still equipping them and sending them into the culture?
Grace. Grace and patience. And I’m bad at those things.
Personally, I think in such a black-and-white manner and my natural expectation for people is to get concepts objectively and be able to think critically about them immediately. But that’s not even how most people work, much less middle schoolers and high schoolers. So it takes being able to take a deep breath and chip away slowly at pre-conceived notions. It takes chronic honesty and a willingness to not know the answers. It takes a willingness to hurt when their hearts begin to hurt for someone who faces injustice. It takes a whole lot of patience and it takes a whole lot of empathy.
We are talking about the Sanctity of Human Life in youth this week, and specifically in that conversation is a dialogue on abortion. My hope for our students is not that they would learn all the stats and have a cold, hard opinion on the policies and legislation that our country has on the matter.
My hope is so much more for our students!
I want them have a deeper valuation of all human life.
When they hear their friends quoting our president about other cultures, I want our students to know that all humans have inherent value apart from their economic states.
When their friends devalue movements such as Black Lives Matter, I want our students to confidently know that Black lives DO matter, because our African-American brothers and sisters are also made in the image of God.
When they hear arguments back and forth about whether it’s okay to kill an unborn baby, I want our students to think about the inherent value of that unborn child and for their hearts to break that it would even be a question to kill the child. Because contrary to what the Left thinks, the child has more value than any human could attribute.
But I don’t want another generation that is baby rights vs. momma rights. I want their hearts to shatter at the injustices that have been done to women for centuries. I want them to raise their voices for the voices of unheard women. I want them to value, protect, and fight on the front lines for women. Because contrary to what Right thinks, the momma has more value than any human could ever attribute.
Jesus valued the economically impoverished (the “shithole countries” if you will) by first inviting the shepherds to his birth scene before anyone else in Luke 2.
Jesus valued the invalids who couldn’t perform and make themselves look all prettied up and perfect before they came to him by healing the paralyzed man in Mark 2.
Jesus valued women by protecting the woman caught in adultery in John 8 (who, for you classic conservatives out there, had “already made her choice” to sleep with the man), and by raising the little girl back to life in Mark 5, and by letting the women be the first to see him after he raised himself from the dead in Mark 16.
Jesus valued other cultures by going out of his way and giving up his time and emotional energy to sit and converse with the Samaritan woman at the well in John 4.
Jesus values sinners. He valued us before the world began when the Father chose us in Christ to be set holy and blameless before him (Ephesians 1). He valued us when we were DEAD IN OUR SIN, unable to perform and earn the right to be valued (Ephesians 2).
We like to play this game of valuation as if we are all a bunch of estimators for a contractor. But the valuation of human life is not up to us! Our value is solely in the fact that we are made in the image of God (Genesis 1-2). Humans never lose their value because they did nothing to earn it in the first place.
You are loved and you are valued.
I got saved almost seven years ago, now. After getting saved, most people immediately get baptized in their local church context; however, I chose to busy myself instead of being obedient! Last week I finally decided to be bold and enter into a space that was really terrifying to me. I stood in front of 500+ people and told everyone that I had missed a step and that I’ve been putting it off because I didn’t want to admit that I hadn’t done the process perfectly.
The following is my story that I shared last week. I’m praying that it gives you hope as you read it that the Lord loves you as much as he possibly can right now without you doing anything to earn it. All of his love. Right now.
I grew up with incredible and supportive parents who love Jesus and love me. But I also grew up in the church enslaved to my own morality and performance believing that “of course God would love me. I’m a great kid and I deserve it.” You see, I was that kid at my private Baptist high school that saw myself as so far superior over all the drinkers and smokers and partiers that I would probably feel offended if one of them talked to me.
Call me a Pharisee; because at best, that’s exactly what I was.
And because of this, despite growing up in the church, my salvation wouldn’t happen until I was 16 when the Lord started taking things – and people – from me. And there weren’t very many people that the Lord could’ve taken from me that would hurt. But there was one man in particular who never stopped treating me like his own son; who never wavered in his love and grace towards me. And this man was my youth small group leader.
It was on a May night in 2011 that I would sit across the street from my small group leader’s house and weep at his sudden, unexpected death in a freak motorcycle accident. It was that night of feeling some of the deepest pain and sorrow that I have ever felt in my entire life that the Lord would show me my need and call me to himself. It was on that night at 16 years old that the Lord totally shattered the idea that I could ever be good enough to earn his love. It was on that night that I would begin to realize that the love God has for me is far greater than I could ever imagine and that he had already lavished ALL of it on me in the person and work of Jesus.
You see, the Lord doesn’t just arbitrarily take. He took from me so that he could give me more of himself. And what the Lord took from my friends and I that night wasn’t just the friendship and discipleship of a man who deeply loved Jesus. What the Lord took from me that night through pain and suffering was the shackles of my slavery to legalism and perfection. He took those shackles off of my wrists and he replaced it with the faith to believe that Jesus’ death on the cross was ENOUGH. I no longer was a slave to proving my worth to the Lord, because Jesus took ALL of my sins and ALL of my messes and paid my debt on the cross and rose back to life three days later in complete and utter victory. And because of that victory, I’m no longer a slave to sin, but a son.
I’m an adopted son of the King of the universe.
And I would love to stand up here and confidently proclaim that I’ve never picked up my old self and tried to force it back on since that day.
I would love to stand up here and say that the broken shackles of perfection and self-righteousness don’t sit on my bedside table fighting for a chance to enslave me again.
I’d love to stand up here and tell you that I functionally believe that my performance has nothing to do with how the Lord feels about me.
But over the course of the past six years, I’ve mostly failed to put on my new self. To be super honest, every minute of every day is a battle to trust the Lord more than I trust my competency. I still need Jesus just like I did that night after my friend died. I still regularly forget that Jesus is ENOUGH and his performance in my place satisfied the Lord’s demand for perfection. I struggle so hard to receive grace.
There’s a song I’ve found that explains my current season almost to a “t”. It says this,
“…but the list goes on forever of all the ways I could be better, in my mind; as if I could earn God’s favor given time, or at least “congratulations”…I’ve spent my whole life searching desperately to find out that grace requires nothing of me”
And that’s been really hard for me to come to terms with. This fact that I’m probably never going to figure out how to perfectly leave behind my old self and put on the new. (At least until Jesus comes back to take me home!!) I’m probably never going to figure it out because if I were to figure it out, then I wouldn’t need Jesus anymore. I’ve spent most of my life thinking that I’m supposed to grow out of needing Jesus for everything (as if the Lord gets tired of meeting my needs and caring for me in ways that I can’t and don’t care for myself). It hasn’t been until the past couple months that I’ve begun to realize that I’m actually supposed to need Jesus for everything.
It’s just now starting to functionally click that there’s NOTHING that I can do that could separate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus.
So I stand before you today, a beaten, broken sinner trying to learn to admit to myself and my community that I constantly need Jesus. But I ALSO stand before you as a son that has been justified with the blood of Jesus and is absolutely being sanctified by the Holy Spirit. Jen Wilkin says it like this, “…we were not created to be self-sufficient. Nor were we re-created in Christ to be so. Sanctification is the process of learning increasing dependence, not autonomy.”
And today I boast in our God who is faithfully self-sufficient. And I proclaim to you my constant need for the grace and love of God. And I do this now, almost 7 years after being saved, because I need to confess to this church – my community – that I don’t have everything together. I’ve lived under the belief that I could never admit a missed step along the way. I’ve been afraid to admit to my church family that I am not perfect because I love getting credit. But I can’t live in that lie anymore. I don’t stand here today because of how good of a job I’ve done. I stand here today because of how PERFECT of a job that Jesus has done. I’m here as the older son that’s constantly having to choose the party inside over my self-righteousness and competency.
So here I am before you, boasting in my weakness that I chose fear over obedience for 6 years and passed up this opportunity to proclaim the gospel; because I want you to see the faithfulness of the Lord in my brokenness and depravity. While I’m embarrassed to admit that it took me 16 years to understand that I’m not God; the Lord has looked at me since before he spoke the earth into motion and has called me “son”. And just like he looked at Jesus in Mark 1 before he “did” anything in his ministry, the Father looks at me and says, “Hey. You’re my son. And I love you so much. And boy am I proud of you. Not because you earned it, but because I made you.”
The Father loves me because he loves me, and there’s absolutely nothing I could ever do to make him love me any more or any less.
I’m in Bryan/College Station for another year!
This post will hopefully give a nice, quick recap of this past year and give some of my hopes for the year to come in my new position as Youth Director overseeing ministry towards 5th-12th grade students.
1. I’m finally beginning to be emotionally healthy.
For the past two semesters our staff has been working through Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Pete Scazzero (a pastor in Queens, NY). Basically, EHS is a few dozen counseling sessions in one cohesive book. Scazzero talks a lot about how Christians generally do a really great job at devaluing and disregarding their feelings or emotions and how destructive this pattern is to themselves and all the people around them (family, friends, co-workers, strangers, etc.). We’ve been learning together how to break out of these destructive habits and live in a new way that isn’t slowly deteriorating our souls.
This (along with having a couple really close friends and a fantastic girlfriend) has taught me some things:
- I am a recovering control addict.
- I am a recovering self-abuser.
- I do want to clarify something here. I do not mean self-abuse. I mean that I am so naturally horrible at showing grace to myself when I sin. I get really down on myself and treat my brokenness in the exact opposite way that Jesus did.
- I am NOT busy.
- I’m just limited. It’s okay that I can’t regularly do what Jesus did in Mark 1 and heal all the sick people in the town, go spend time with Dad, and then – without sleep – go and continue on with my ministry. And that’s okay.
*above is a picture of our church staff and wives from our trip to NYC for the Emotionally Healthy conference in May. We’re missing a couple people due to differing flights, but I’m sure you’ll see them eventually 🙂
The actual work portion of my job has been really exciting and growing. I wound up working primarily on building out the worship/production ministry and hammering out a lot of the details for our Sunday operations. I’m extremely grateful for the opportunity I was afforded this year, because I fully understand that most twenty-two year olds don’t just get to walk into the position I was so graciously given. So I’m thankful for a staff and a church that believed in me to do my job well.
2. I now get to do my best to continue building a youth ministry.
To be completely transparent this is really scary to me. It’s really easy for me to buy into everything that the enemy tries to tell me (i.e. – you’re too young, you’re not prepared enough, you’re gonna mess kids up, blah blah blah). It is. It really is easy for me to buy into that. But my friends and my co-workers have pumped so much empowerment into me and have been so affirming that I’m not stronger than the Lord. I totally might ruin everything, but the joy is that somebody still might get saved. The Lord’s gonna do what the Lord wants to do and however he wants to do it and he has invited me to be part of his story here in B/CS for another year and so I absolutely hopped on it.
Much of the way the I follow Jesus is based in my story with Younglife. I won’t go into details on this post; but if you’re interested, then you can read more about it here. But that is the mindset into which I am praying for our leaders buy. See, DC Youth does not primarily exist for students to show up in our youth room at the church. Our role is to engage students and make them feel noticed, known, loved, cared for, and ultimately to fight for them to know who Jesus is and what he did. That’s why we exist as a ministry. I would love for our team to know the names of every student in the schools that we engage; because how many of those students may have never been known before?
3. In order to do all of this, I have again been given the opportunity to raise support.
This past year, I watched the Lord do crazy things by raising my entire salary. He was so faithful in the little things (like finances) and in the big things (like seeing some of my friends know and walk with Jesus for the first time in their lives). So I’m neither offended that I have to support raise again, nor am I scared to support raise again.
My salary for the next year is 50% fundraised and 50% provided by Declaration. What this means is that unless I have a group of people around me that buy in to my vision and/or the vision of Declaration Church, I do not get to work for DC full-time.
As of right now, I currently need $5,000 more in order to meet my goal. (That is $416.67/month if you’d like to think about it that way). If this is something in which you’d like to partner with me (or at least hear more about), I’d love to talk more about it with you.
I’ve attached a link at the bottom of this post that takes you to a page with more information and where you can give if you feel so inclined! Don’t feel pressured, but do know that I would absolutely love to have you on my team going forward.
*above is a picture of my friend Alex and myself after he got baptized at the end of our New Mexico hiking trip with some other guys from Declaration. In December he had never heard of Jesus. By April, he was saved. By May, he was baptized.
In short, the Lord is continuing to blow up the cities of Bryan and College Station. It’s truly an exciting honor to get to stay for at least another year and befriend (hopefully hundreds of) middle and high schoolers and tell them why the matter so much to me.
If you’d like to hear more about what I’m doing or more about Declaration Church, please don’t hesitate to ask! My email is firstname.lastname@example.org and I’d love to answer any question that I can. The following link goes to a page that has more information about my Residency Program.
“I have to make a plan. If I can make a plan, I won’t be afraid.”
I’ve been reading a lot lately. My goal for reading this year is to read 25 books of all varieties. I’m currently sitting at 4 completed; but I should be done with two more before May (hopefully). The quote above comes from one of the books that I’m currently reading. This quote is essentially the summation of what I’ve learned about myself since my last blog post. Hopefully this post isn’t too candid; but what is a blog if it’s not honest, right?
I’m a total control freak.
As a matter of fact, I learned that it got so bad in January that I chose circumstantial control over people that loved me and wanted to fight for me. Who does that?
The past month or so for me has been a lot of failing and a lot of learning; just like your twenties are supposed to be, I’ve heard! So here is an incomprehensive list of the things I’ve learned in the past 50 (or so) days:
- I am smart; but I do not know everything. (see, @mom, I can finally admit it!)
- The way I do things is fantastic…for me…a lot of the time; but it’s actually way healthier for people to have their own ways of doing certain things than for people to do things like I do them.
- People have different life goals than me that influence their actions. (i.e. – My goal is generally to get in-and-out of the grocery store as quick as humanly possible and so I know where the things are that I need and I don’t get anything else. But someone else might have the goal to get everything they need or will need soon and they don’t want to miss anything, so they are not in any big hurry. AND BOTH WAYS ARE PERFECTLY FANTASTIC; they’re just different. And different isn’t just good; different is healthy.)
- Thankfulness is essential. And people should know that you’re thankful for them.
- I am not in control. I never have been in control. The Lord does his thing in spite of me most of the time, and for that I am wildly thankful. He sees the big picture that I don’t. He sees the full puzzle; and I’m over in the corner not even able to get past one edge piece (side note: I suck at puzzles in a literal sense AND a metaphorical sense).
I’ve gotten to watch grace in action over the past few weeks. There are people that I screwed over because I fought harder for control than I did for them. Yet when I apologized to them for the specific things I did to hurt them, they looked me in the face (or in a letter) and said, “I believe you…I believe in you…and I believe in grace & forgiveness — the kind that gives 2nd & 3rd & 1000s of chances until we can finally stand & proclaim the joy of getting it right.”
I’ve gotten to read the Bible with some new friends of mine, and we talk about grace every time we sit down to read. I get to tell them week-in and week-out that we can’t make sense of grace because our logical minds can’t wrap our heads around the fact that someone could possibly forgive us and gladly move on WITH YOU in pure joy and excitement. Grace doesn’t make sense. If grace made sense, it wouldn’t be amazing. If grace made sense, then it wouldn’t really mean that much that Jesus hanged on a cross taking all of our sins on himself and gave us his righteousness so that we could be sons and daughters of the King of kings and Creator of all things.
So, in the midst of all of the trials, errors, and failures of the past couple months, I’ve seen and learned more about who the Lord is and how badly I need the him. So it makes sense now why Paul talked about boasting in his weaknesses; because it is in Paul’s weakness that he gets to experience the raw majesty, power, and authority of the Lord.
It’s in my weakness that I get to experience the raw majesty, power, and authority of the Lord.
In regards to the quote at the very beginning, I’m kinda like the character that said it. We’re both starting to slowly figure out that we don’t plan to be successful; we plan to try and sidestep fear. But to sidestep fear is to be a coward.
Courage isn’t a lack of fear.
Courage is action in the face of fear.
Courage is engaging fear as it comes; not avoiding potential future fear.
I’m learning how to be courageous and not be bound by my fear. I’m still pretty bad at it. But I wouldn’t rather be learning courage around anyone else than those I’m with in life right now.
Well, it’s been a minute since I made myself sit down and reflect on what life has been lately. Mainly because sitting down and reflecting means processing and processing means time and I’d rather not give myself time out of some pseudo-humble mindset thinking that’s the most selfless and servant-hearted thing to do. It’s funny that I perpetually think this way after so many times of realizing that the most selfish thing I could possibly do is not deal with what’s going on with me and the way I feel and what has been great and what has sucked.
Don’t worry, the point of this post isn’t to list out all of those things, just wanted to let you know that’s why I didn’t have a blogpost about December and why this one about January is so late!
Some things I learned in December/January:
- I can’t change who the Lord says that I am. (see this, this, and this)
- People really can care about you. It’s O.K to believe them.
- It’s O.K for goodbye’s to be hard. It’s actually really normal. So I shouldn’t act like it’s not hard.
- “True peacemakers love God, others, and themselves enough to disrupt false peace.” – EHS
- Everyone is different from me. So let them be different. Different is wonderful.
I’ve been chronically bad at praying for myself for the past I don’t even know how long. My most consistent prayer in the past couple weeks is for the Lord to teach me 1) to recognize my need and 2) to humble myself and just ask for help (because it’s not like I stand a fighting chance of satisfying my needs anyways, honestly.)
So that’s the quick and easy version of where my mind has been the past couple months.
As for work, my job has been a lot of reading, which I love.
We’ve still been going through “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality” as a staff and it, of course, has continually be kicking me in the gut and making me realize that I am not nearly as put together as I would’ve said in August (or December, honestly). So I highly recommend it for anyone. Find some pals, get the book, be honest with each other, and delve up all of the fun things you didn’t even know you were suppressing! It’ll be fun, I promise, you just may have to wait until the end of the book to see how fun it is…
The other book I’ve been reading is specifically for “worship” leadership, and it’s called “Doxology & Theology“. I’ve been going through it with a couple of friends and am about to teach through it with some of our band members at church. It does an incredible job of teaching the whys and the hows of worship leadership, and it’s also incredibly readable.
My team is still incredible. We’re excited to have Blake back from Sabbatical tomorrow and to finally be a full team again. I couldn’t have asked for a better team and family in this season of life. (The people’s faces that are covered are like so because I am not about to potentially compromise their ability to get into certain countries because they are linked to a church).
(an open letter to the upper-middle class white Christian conservative American)
Quit fighting half the battle.
Sunday marked forty-four years since America became polarized on yet another front (as if we really needed any help). Now instead of just being polarized racially, culturally, and generationally, America was now polarized on life. And America has remained polarized on life ever since.
Because of this argument of whether the baby’s life or the mother’s life matters more, I believe that very few people are actually pro-life. I think that the vast majority of Americans are pro-choice. I think that the people that are more worried about the baby’s life than the mother’s life are just as guilty of stripping someone’s voice as the opposite side. The devaluation of life is the same whether you fight only for the baby or only for the mom.
On Sunday, we had a guest speaker at church that spoke on the sanctity of human life. One of his big points was this, “Fight for the voiceless.” But he spent much of the message talking about how pro-mom AND pro-child he and his wife are.
This is the proper view of human life: to be pro-mom AND pro-child; because while the baby is voiceless, there is an astounding chance that the mom has never been given a voice either. Is this always true? No. Absolutely not. But instead of shaming women for getting abortions like the Church has generally been really great at for decades, what if we just befriended? What if we helped the woman instead of just telling her she’s wrong and making a project out of her? What if we fought fear with hope?
Is abortion wrong? Yes. Totally. And that’s not really something on which I’m willing to compromise. Also not the point of this blog, sorry.
Have we been engaging the space in a non-helpful way? Mostly.
Mostly we’ve engaged the space with verbiage like “She chose when she decided to have sex! It’s the baby’s turn now!” or “There are consequences for every action and they need to learn responsibility!”
Hate. So much hate. So much ill-will and hopelessness. When pro-baby people say things or think this way, you strip the voice from the woman just like pro-abortion people strip the voice from the child. The voices have equal value and should be taken equally serious.
We. Need. Hope.
If you know me in any capacity, you know that I love kids. As a matter of fact, kids aged 1½ to about 8 years old may be my favorite demographic of human being on the face of the planet. They teach me so much about living life to the full and having fun and laughing a lot and being an adventurer.
One of the highlights of November was going to watch my pal Jett at his first soccer skills showcase (try saying that 10 times fast…). While it obviously wasn’t the best soccer I had ever seen, it was unbelievably incredible to see how much he lit up when Drew, Marissa, and myself all showed up just to watch him! (It was also incredible to watch his mom play goalie against his dad and hope that he didn’t kick her in the face and also hope that she didn’t beat him up for kicking her in the face).
There were a few other things that happened in November, as well:
-The Aggies’ football program spontaneously combusted.
-I’ve begun to practice the art of task delegation. Which means I get to actually equip and train people in areas instead of doing jobs myself.
-I turned 22.
-My niece, Zoey (check out the #zoeywatch on Instagram, if you’d like) who is three years old will finally snuggle with me for more than ten seconds.
This month has been far lighter than the last couple months and I am so incredible thankful for that. In my last blog, I wrote about how the Lord was growing me in emotional health and that has absolutely continued. But it has been wonderful to live in the kind of freedom that is offered by living in the light. I’m learning how to communicate with my co-workers, friends, and girlfriend better and better. I’m learning that I don’t have to hold in my emotions or how I’m feeling and that it is OK to externally process the good and the bad with my people. However, this month has not been quite as much of a punch in the face as last month was (praise the Lord).
The Lord has also been growing me in thankfulness. Maybe it’s just the season, or maybe I’m just growing up, but I wake up most mornings more thankful than the day before. Thankful for my breath, thankful for the ability to move and walk and run and lift things, thankful for people that care, thankful for means of transportation, and ultimately thankful for the fact that Jesus came and took my place, lived a life I had no shot at living and died a death I absolutely deserved. And Jesus did all of this so that I could live with the Father forever? Dang. That thought breeds thankfulness.
It’s been a good month and I’m thankful for the breath of fresh-air with which the Lord has gifted me in this season. BRING ON THE HOLIDAYS!